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3 Things To Do When You Can't Stop
Your Anger After Your Partner's Affair
By Susie and Otto Collins
Celia knows that she should be over her anger about her
husband
Alex's affair by now. She made her decision to take him back
and
give their marriage a second try.
Every single day she tells
herself
that it's long past the time for her to get over her fury
about being
cheated on.
But she hasn't yet.
When she gets angry, she counts to 10. She reminds herself
of all of
the reasons why she still loves Alex. She tries to steer her
mind to
happier times they've shared. She thinks about the great
family
they've created together.
None of this really works. None of these techniques, and
others
she's tried, seem to diminish that fact that she's still
hurt and
outraged that Alex deceived her and betrayed her trust in
such a
horrible way.
Despite her best efforts to contain her anger,
Celia is
often resentful, cold and withdrawn when she's alone with
Alex.
Sometimes, when she can't take the build up any longer, she
lets him
have it with yelling and shouting.
Because Alex still feels guilt about his affair, he tends to
just
sit there and let her call him names and scream at him.
Neither of
them is happy, yet neither of them wants to end their
marriage.
They
both hope that they can move past this one day.
If your partner cheated, you may be in a similar situation.
You've
chosen to stay in your love relationship or marriage and you
want to
move past the infidelity and repair the damage to your
relationship.
As desperately as you might want to save your marriage and
start to
move closer to your partner again, your anger is still
there.
Like
Celia, you may try different strategies to calm down, let go
of your
rage and forgive your mate... but this seems impossible to do
(and
keep doing).
We're here to reassure you that it's not impossible to
release your
anger and rebuild trust after infidelity. Here are 3 things
you can
do that will help...
#1: Give yourself permission to be angry.
If your mind is made up that you don't want to lose your
partner or
your relationship, your impulse might be to shove down any
angry
feelings you have.
It might even seem, to you, that you've
got to
only "focus on the positives" in order to heal the pain and
disconnection.
There is certainly great benefit that can come from focusing
in on
the positives in any difficult situation. However, when
you're
feeling angry but pretending that you're not, this is NOT
being
positive. It's also NOT going to help you or your
relationship.
It's important for you to give yourself permission to be
angry if
that's what you feel. Know that the more willing you are to
allow
yourself to be authentic and genuine-- even when it's uncomfortable
and possibly contentious-- the easier it will be for your
anger to
release and for you and your partner to rebuild trust.
If you've been taught that it's not okay for you to be
angry,
acknowledge those ingrained beliefs.
Perhaps you grew up in
a house
where the adults argued and fought one another. Or, maybe
you were
brought up in an environment where nobody was allowed to
show anger.
In either extreme, the effects can be detrimental to your
well-being
and to the health of your relationship too.
Notice what your overall beliefs are about anger and
recognize your
assumptions-- regarding your anger-- about what it will take
to
repair your relationship.
If you discover that denying,
ignoring or
pushing down your angry emotions is a habit for you, be
aware of
this.
Challenge yourself to safely explore your anger. Know that
allowing
and moving through your anger is often the quickest and most
effective way to experience the ease, healing and ability to
forgive
that you desire.
#2: Be responsible with your anger.
When you give yourself permission to be angry, if that's how
you
feel, this doesn't mean that it's helpful to let it all out
on your
partner.
Yes, he or she is the one who cheated and this can appear to
be the
main reason why you're so outraged. To heap angry words on
your mate,
to call him or her names or to throw things is only going to
drive
you two further apart.
Be responsible for your own emotions and be responsible
about what
you say or do with them.
Being responsible for your own emotions might mean that you
acknowledge that these feelings may go beyond the affair.
It
could
be a huge part of why you feel the way that you feel, but
perhaps
there are some other things about your life and your
relationship
that you feel frustrated and upset about.
Maybe some of these things that anger you are habits that
you have
or are a result of actions you've taken.
Being responsible about what you say or do with your
emotions is
just as important. It might feel satisfying-- in the
moment-- to
destroy some object that is special to your partner or to
criticize
him or her in a cruel (and possibly inaccurate) way.
The question to ask yourself is this...
Will this expression of my anger benefit or cause further
harm to my
relationship? If you can provide an honest answer to this
question,
you will know which impulses to act on and which to let out
in
different, non-harming, ways.
#3: Make short- and long-term decisions that will serve you.
The key to anger of any kind is to check in with yourself
and make a
conscious choice before you say or do anything from anger.
Again, it's so important for you to allow your anger. But,
it's
just as important for you to make a very deliberate decision
about
what is the most effective and healing way to express that
anger.
Make short- and long-term decisions about what you will do
with your
anger that serve your goals.
If one of your goals is to
rebuild trust in your
relationship, for
example, it's possible that working individually with a
counselor or
coach might help you find ways to process and express your
anger. A
professional can teach you useful techniques.
One technique that's often suggested is to take deep breath
or count
to 10 when you're angry.
As cliché as this may sound, it can
actually
be very powerful. Taking a deep breath in the heat of an
angry moment
can give you space and clarity and encourage you not to say
or do
something you'll later regret, but it's not the end of the
process.
Regularly giving yourself the opportunity to really be with
your
anger and to get to know it-- on many different levels-- can
be
freeing. Instead of pushing it away, move closer to your
anger and
let yourself get to know it.
This knowing can be your key to making choices that will
serve you
now and in the future too.
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