Getting Over an Affair IS Possible
By Susie and Otto Collins

You might be hurting so badly that you wonder... You could be so angry and disgusted that you really doubt... You may feel so fearful of experiencing this kind of pain again you question...

...Can I ever get over the affair that my partner had?

Or

...Could it be possible for this relationship to rebound and recover after infidelity?

As you probably know, an affair isn't like the flu. The emotions that are coming up and the vast distance between yourself and your mate aren't going to just go away after 24 hours or a longer period of time.

There is no magic pill or elixir that will make it all better in an instant.

In order for trust to be rebuilt and your relationship to start feeling like a love relationship again (or something even close to one), it's going to take change. You and your partner will both be required to take a deeper look at your tendencies as individuals and as a couple and learn from what happened.

You both will need to be willing to take some amount of risk and try new relationship strategies.

And when you are possibly still reeling from feeling betrayed, taking a risk and making yourself vulnerable to yet more pain could be an uncomfortable thing to consider. To begin getting over an affair, you will both be called upon to make conscious and reasonable risks as you move
through the healing process.

Even if you've ended the relationship or marriage in which infidelity happened, your personal healing and sense of trust can benefit from this information.

You may want to create another relationship some time in the future and if you have released the pain and restored trust in yourself and potential partners, it is more likely that that new relationship will start off in a healthy way.

Gain a better understanding of what led to the affair.
George works in the insurance business. He calculates and estimates risk every single day at the office. With this background, he feels that the risk of his wife Billie having another affair may be high. Despite this, he wants to give it a try.

Billie has been working with him to help trust heal and rebuild. But George knows this will take some time and attention.

One thing that George and Billie were encouraged by a family friend to do is to learn from the affair. They have set out to gain a better understanding of their relationship patterns before Billie cheated.

Both of them know that this practice will not be helpful if they re-affirm blame and judgment in looking back at the past.  George certainly doesn't want to re-live the details of Billie's affair and neither does she.

But they do want to get a clearer knowing of what
contributed to the distance between them that then led Billie to cheat.

Try to take on the role of an observer as you begin to learn from the affair. We know this is probably not the easiest thing to do! Remembering to breathe and reminding yourself that your intention is to learn from the past, not re-create it, can help.

You might start by looking at your own habits and patterns in the relationship during that time. Ask yourself if each particular habit or tendency encouraged closeness or distance in your relationship.

Share with one another what you are discovering and check in to see if your partner had the same experience as you are recalling.

Learn to develop new relationship habits.
Hone in on those tendencies that you now realize fed the disconnection in your relationship in the past. Brainstorm some alternative behaviors to those that drove you apart.

For example, Billie starts to see that she was feeling unattractive and boring in the months leading up to her affair. She transferred these negative feelings about herself onto George and began to believe that that's how he felt as well.

When the other man came along expressing
romantic and sexual interest in Billie, she temporarily got carried away in feeling like she was beautiful and alluring. She is not making any excuses and she regrets her decision, but she also learns from this realization.

Having this deeper understanding of one contributor to Billie's infidelity is quite valuable. Now Billie and George can talk about possible ways that Billie can feel more attractive both in her eyes and in George's view.

Billie decides that she can start exercising more and reading uplifting books about body image. George is choosing to offer Billie more compliments and more verbal in his appreciation of how gorgeous he thinks she is.

There is probably a whole host of interconnected patterns and dynamics that formed between you and your mate that contributed to disconnection and the infidelity. Let us stress that this practice isn't about blame or finding the "one" thing that led to the affair.

This is about cleaning up your relationship habits and developing new ones that bring you closer together instead of further apart.

When you establish a new relationship habit that feels good to both of you, take notice. This is a sign that trust is making a comeback, healing is happening.

You might also come upon new habits that aren't a good fit for where you are right now in your relationship. That's ok. Notice that, talk about it with one another and open up to a different way.

As you learn from the affair and from your past
relationship habits and patterns, don't get stuck in that past. Take the time to gain a better understanding and then return to the present moment in which you and your partner are working together to rebuild trust and create a closer connection.