Rebuilding Tips & Advice
Lies and Lying
Save Your Marriage
Break Up and a Broken Heart
About Susie and Otto
Trust Rebuilding Tips After
YOUR Past Affair
By Susie and Otto Collins
Tiffany doesn't know if she can ever trust her
husband again. The
irony is that Tiffany is the one who cheated.
Several months ago,
she finally admitted the affair to her husband,
Paul. She immediately
stopped cheating after her confession.
Since then, Tiffany and Paul have both been
working to repair their
marriage. One thing that has surprised Tiffany
is how much mistrust
she now has about Paul.
She keeps expecting to catch him in a lie and,
inevitably, to find
out that he's having an affair. Tiffany feels
embarrassed to be
suspicious of Paul-- without any proof.
all, she's the one who
messed up and cheated.
If you had an affair and you and your partner
are now trying to
rebuild trust and restore your love relationship
or marriage, you may
be just as surprised as Tiffany is to discover
that you are having a
difficult time trusting your partner.
There may be no real proof to back up your
suspicions and doubts
about your mate, but you feel mistrusting
This phenomenon could be occurring for various
You might feel as if you somehow "deserve" to be
cheated on because
of your own infidelity.
You may believe that it's only a matter of time
before you both have
You might expect that your partner will cheat as
a way to "get back"
at you for what you did.
You may also be feeling mistrustful of your own
self. Because you
had an affair once, you could be worried that
you'll have one again
sometime in the future.
All of this mistrust, doubt, suspicion and guilt
can cause even more
problems in your relationship that may seem
fragile and uncertain.
If repairing the damage from the affair and
moving ahead to a
desirable future is what you ultimately want,
you're going to need to
address your expectations, beliefs and feelings.
Here are 3 ways to do that...
#1: Forgive yourself.
You might not feel as if you deserve
for having an
affair. Even if this is the case, we encourage
you to consider
Forgiveness is often a
process and just opening
up to self-forgiveness is an important first
The reason why it's absolutely essential that
you open up to the
forgiveness process is because it will help you
take a new and
clearer approach to your current relationship.
Continually feeling guilty, ashamed or
embarrassed will only keep
you chained to the past.
You will go on
re-living what happened
regarding the infidelity and you will be less
able to make
completions with the past and bring the improvements you desire.
Take the time to really feel what you are
feeling. Write in a
journal, come up with rituals, talk with family,
friends or a coach--
do whatever you need to do to process your
residual thoughts and
feelings about the infidelity.
Next, open up to forgiving yourself.
You can use your writing, rituals and talking
with others as part of
this process. You could start out by selecting
specific things that
you feel guilty about that you are more willing
to forgive yourself
This could be something "small" such as
snapping at your
partner, for example.
However you can approach forgiveness, do it.
Build up to forgiving
yourself for the affair and anything else that
seems "big" and
difficult to let go of.
#2: Prove your trustability to you.
Notice it when you show that you are
Again, you can start
"small" and build from there.
Recognize it when
you speak the truth
about something, even when it's difficult to do.
Give yourself credit for following through on a
Acknowledge it when you engage with your mate in
an authentic way
about some topic that has led to arguments in
Too many times, people who have previously lied
or cheated, don't
see the improvements that they are making.
become so caught up
in their residual guilt that they can only see
how they are
disappointing or letting down their partner.
Noticing where you ARE trustable may be helpful
to your mate too.
Without being defensive or discounting your past
decisions, you could
tell your partner that you are trying to rebuild
trust by noticing
the ways that you-- and he or she as well-- IS
A powerful effect of deliberately noticing trustability is that your
fears and suspicions can be proven false when
you actually see your
partner's trustable actions.
#3: Be more present-oriented.
Rebuilding trust really comes down to where you
place your focus.
Yes, of course, if you cheated you're going to
need to take ownership
for your decision. Learning from what happened
so that it doesn't
happen again is essential.
At the same time, you can most easily and
effectively move forward
in healing as a couple and re-connecting when
you make completions
with the past and focus more of the time on the
Just as you can make a deliberate decision to
look for the ways that
you and your partner are proving your
trustability, you can very
consciously place your attention on what's going
on right now.
What is it that your partner just said?
you feel in this
moment about what he or she said or did?
your need at this
How open or closed are you to the
interaction you two are
having right now?
As you ask yourself questions like these, don't
add in your thoughts
about what your partner said or did days, weeks
or months ago.
Refrain from living and reacting from the past.
All of these strategies will help you to more
clearly, openly and
authentically rebuild trust and re-connect with
You can get
instant access to the FREE trust building course by
entering your name and email address in the form