Break Up and a Broken Heart
 

Break Up Advice: "My friends think that I'm crazy, but I want to win him back...even after the affair."

By Susie and Otto Collins

Kelly's friends have tried to talk sense and get her to see what a mistake that she's making, but Kelly does not agree with them.

She does not think that it's crazy for her to try to get back with her ex-boyfriend Ed.

When Kelly and Ed were together, he had at least 3 affairs with different women. Every time that Ed cheated, he'd apologize, promise to make changes and Kelly would hesitantly take him back.

After finding out about his most recent affair, however, Kelly decided that she'd had enough.

She told him to pack up and move out of their apartment. Ed did move out and has not tried to contact Kelly since that day over a month ago.

Since they broke up, Kelly has been doubting her decision to end their relationship. She misses Ed a lot and her heartbreak only seems to be getting worse as time passes, not better.

Kelly's friends think that she's lost her mind to even consider contacting Ed again with the hopes of reuniting...but that's exactly what Kelly intends to do.

If you've broken up or filed for divorce after finding out that your partner had an affair, you may now be having some of the same second thoughts that Kelly is having.

As difficult and painful as it was to be cheated on, you may be missing your ex and want to try and win him
or her back.

It could be that your ex has made it clear to you that he or she wants to reunite too. In fact, your ex may be continuing to contact you and trying to make amends for cheating.

Or it could be that you've had little or no contact since breaking up. Your ex may even be carrying on with the person he or she was having the affair with when you two were together.

Despite this, you might find yourself drawn to try and get back together.

Ask yourself this question...

When the urge to try and win back your ex comes into your mind and you feel compelled to act, take a few moments to really consider this question first:

"Is it in my best interest to get back with him (or her)?"

There is a big difference between what is in your best interest and what you want (or think that you want at this time).

We aren't for one minute trying to tell you what to do. Only you know what is the wisest move for you to make regarding your ended relationship.

When you take a look at what is in your best interest, or what is wise, does getting back together again make sense?

Yes, you might be lonely. Yes, you might remember the love and good times you and your ex once shared.

And, yes, there is a possibility that you two could get back together again and create a healthier, happier relationship than before.

But, there is also the possibility that there are just too many differences between what you want from a relationship and what your ex wants that reuniting would not be wise.

There may be too much pain and mistrust to heal.

When you ask yourself the question "Is it in my best interest to try and get back together with my ex," pay particular attention to any signs from your ex and from you that you BOTH are willing to change, that you BOTH want to give it another try and that you BOTH are ready to fully commit to your relationship.

Identify the qualities that you have to have in your love relationship or marriage.
Another way to consider whether or not trying to get back with your ex is a wise idea is to make a list of the qualities that are most important to you in a relationship.

For this moment, set aside your desire to win back your ex.

Instead, focus more generally on what you want and what you absolutely require in a love relationship or marriage.

Write down a list of these qualities and characteristics. Remember, this is about the relationship, not necessarily the person.

You might write down things like this: strong trust, fidelity, honest communication, clear commitment to one another, fun, passion, mutual interests, our relationship is a priority, etc.

Circle or highlight those qualities that you absolutely have to have-- these are not negotiable to you.

After you've made your list and circled your "must haves," ask yourself how likely it is that your ex is someone you could create such a relationship with.

This can be a challenging question and, unless you have the opportunity to sit down with him or her and
actually ask it, you won't know with 100% certainty.

Even if you are doing this exercise by yourself, you can think about concrete examples of your ex's behavior and words (both in the past and also what you know about him or her now) to help you formulate your answer.

If you do decide that it IS in your best interest to approach your ex about getting back together again, go slowly and be very clear about the agreements you'll need him or her to make with you.

Be willing to identify disconnecting habits you both have and to make necessary changes.

Click here to receive our free Relationship Reverse Report for more advice about how to rebuild trust and change disconnecting habits.

If you decide that it is NOT in your best interest to try and win back your ex, we encourage you to gather sources of support around you.

Find truly nourishing and soothing people and actions that will help you begin to heal.

Click here to receive our free e-mail mini-course How to Heal Your Broken Heart for tips and information to support your healing and moving forward with your life.