How to Make Amends to Your Partner After Cheating
By Susie and Otto Collins

A young woman, who was engaged to be married, cheated. Her fiance took back the diamond ring he had given her when he proposed and broke off their engagement.

In an effort to win back her partner, the woman stood in front of a busy shopping center holding a homemade sign with the words: "I cheated. Honk if you think I deserve a second chance."

In this case which actually occurred, there were reportedly many vehicles that honked in support of the woman's plea for a second chance with her partner.

Others actually got out of their cars and gave her hugs and offered words of encouragement.

If you had an affair, you might be wondering what you can do to make amends and have a second chance with your mate.

You may feel regret about your decision to cheat and also for the hurt your partner is feeling. And you might be hurting as well.

There may have been dynamics in your relationship that contributed to you choosing to cheat.

Or perhaps there is upset within you that led you to reach out to another person even though you were already in a committed relationship.

If you would like to get back together again with your partner and try to rebuild trust, there are actions you can take-- and there are also actions we would not suggest you take.

What NOT to do if you cheated...
 

• Do not get defensiveness or make up excuses.
   
• Do not place the blame for your actions on your partner or the person with whom you had the affair.
   
• Do not continue to be secretive or evasive about where you've been and what you've been doing.
   
• Do not say that you're sorry if you don't feel it.
  
  What to do to make amends...
   
• Own up to your behavior and choices.
  Take responsibility for your actions and your choice to have an affair.
  
  This does not mean that you take the blame for an overall feeling of disconnection or tension in your relationship. Own up to your role and your behaviors.
  
  When you express that you are sorry to your mate, be clear that you are taking responsibility for the affair. It was your decision to cheat and was not because of the attractiveness or allure of the person with whom you had the affair.
  
  You can follow up such an apology with a request that you and your partner work individually and together to uncover the relationship habits that contributed to the disconnection that may have been between you before you had the affair and then start to make changes to get your relationship back on track.
   
• Understand why you cheated.
  Take the time to figure out what motivated you to cheat in the first place.
  
  What needs do you have that possibly were not being met in your current relationship? What feelings were more intense within you as you had the affair?
  
  Again, this isn't so much about pointing a finger of blame at your partner or you, but instead it is a way to identify where you are
  dissatisfied and unhappy so that you can address those issues.
  
  Once you have a clearer idea about why you might have cheated, ask yourself how you can best meet your needs and feel more satisfied.
  
  Many times this will require a change in your attitude. It might also involve you making different requests of your partner.
  
  Find the courage to be honest about what you want and then listen to
  what your partner is willing to do (or not do) at this time.
   
• Be willing to be transparent.
  Show that you are ready to re-commit to your relationship by agreeing to be transparent with one another.
  
  This means that you will be an 'open book' for your mate's questions and inquiries.
  
  This is not the time to keep secrets. Be courageous and absolutely honest. This is a very powerful way to demonstrate your trustability to your partner.
  
  Make transparency something you both agree to.
  
  Allow one another to see very honestly how each of you feel and what you want for your
  future. This might not always be easy to do, but try it anyway.
  
  Get in touch with your emotions and then be willing to share them
  with your partner. This level of honest sharing can promote healing and bring you two closer together.
  
  
  You don't have to stand with an "I cheated" sign in front of a shopping center in order to ask your partner that you'd like a second
  chance.
  
  You do need to be sincere, genuine, self-reflective and open as you and your mate take steps toward healing and rebuilding trust.