3 Steps to
By Susie and Otto Collins
Many of us have seen the "Star Wars" movies
characters are enticed to go to the "dark side"
forces with the bad guys. One character makes
and ends up as the film series' ultimate bad guy
If you are in the aftermath of finding
your spouse cheated, you may feel like your once
partner made a similar choice.
After all, when your mate started having an
affair, he or
she betrayed your agreements and trust. The
probably also involved lying, deceitful and
behaviors. This, to you, can certainly feel like
you fell in love with has entered the "dark side."
You may even
feel surprised at what your spouse, whom you
knew, is capable of.
You may be wondering if you can ever trust this
again. You may be also wondering if you
can ever love and respect him or her again.
If you are asking yourself these questions and
even feel like you're married to a Darth Vader,
these 3 steps to rebuilding trust.....
Step 1: Decide if you want to rebuild trust
Try your best to step back from the raw and
feelings you are probably experiencing right now
about whether you want to enter the process of
trust with your spouse.
As hurt, betrayed and
angry as you
may feel at this moment, set aside those
feelings and look
at whether you can find within yourself a
glimmer of love
for your partner despite what has happened. Is
morsel of hope or a willingness to devote any
more of your
energy to this relationship?
These may be tough questions for you but they
are vital to
begin thinking about. You may choose to take
apart and revisit these questions a later point
or to end
the relationship completely. Or you might decide
upset as you feel, you want to give it another
Even if you decide that it's time to end this
relationship, we encourage you to do what you
need to do in
order to heal from this hurt and rebuild your
trust when it comes to love relationships in
How to Heal Your Broken Heart may be
Step 2: Acknowledge that we all have "dark
No matter what you decide in terms of continuing
your current relationship, acknowledging that we
capable of hurtful acts may be a useful
practice. Even in
the "Star Wars" movies, Darth Vader was not
committing the violence and manipulation that we
see in the
character's later years.
In fact, if you watch
series, you will notice how a series of losses
to his becoming Vader and, in the end, he even
himself in a very dramatic way.
We believe that while we all have urges and
are in conflict with our values and agreements,
to act on those urges and some decide not to.
recommend that you acknowledge that we all--
have what might be called a "dark side," we are
indicating that your spouse's cheating is
What we do encourage you to do is to open up and
everyone is a mixture of what we might label
"bad." In many ways, it is part of being human.
understanding will probably not wipe away the
feel, but perhaps it can allow you to begin to
Step 3: Widen your view.
As you begin to notice the complexities of the
impulses and decisions we humans might
view of what happened and your relationship
Again, even if you choose to end your
a wider view and deeper understanding of what
help you to let go and move on toward what you
want. If you
are trying to rebuild trust with your spouse,
this is even
From this wider, expanded view, you might also
be able to
acknowledge that just as we all have "dark
sides"-- even if
we don't act on those impulses-- we all also
that are inherently compassionate, caring,
loving, and what
might be labeled "good."
Even your spouse who
this "good" side.
When you are committed to recovering your
opening your eyes so that you can see the
decisions that he
or she makes that actually help rebuild trust is
You don't even have to compliment your partner
trust-building actions, but you can if you'd
be sure you are making the effort to notice
right between the two of you and how your spouse
Rebuilding trust after your spouse cheats is
process. Whether you choose to stay in the
marriage or not,
it is important that you turn toward letting go
happened and allow for healing to take place.
will help you more quickly get to a place where
enjoy love and closeness again.