Healing Tips After a Divorce: Pay Attention to Your Intentions
By Susie and Otto Collins

You might feel pulled in all sorts of directions right now if you are going through a divorce. There might be very practical matters such as financial concerns and possible re-location decisions that need to be addressed.

Emotionally, you may be experiencing a whole range of feelings including grief, anger, pain, hurt and perhaps even some degree of relief.

If you have children, you could feel pulled even more intensely. You might be concerned about helping them deal with the transitions and uncertainties going on at this time.

In the midst of it all, giving attention to your own healing can take a backseat to these other matters.

If you can relate to any of these possible scenarios, we encourage you to pause-- right here-- and take a deep cleansing breath.

It is our belief that the focus of your energy directly corresponds to the direction your life will
take. For this reason, we encourage you to create time to discover the intentions you have about your life right now.

Your focus and intentions can make a huge impact on the degree to which you can heal after a divorce and move ahead with your life.

After 10 years of marriage together, Kay and Jack have decided to end their marriage. This decision is ultimately for the best for each of them, but both worry about the effects this change will have on their 3 young children. 

Jack has always been very career-driven. During their marriage, Kay stayed home with the kids and earned money from a part-time, online job. They both agree that, given these circumstances, Kay will have primary custody of the children.

Kay decides that she needs more support during this transition so she plans to move with the children back to her hometown where she'll be close to her parents.

When Jack hears about her plans, however, he becomes enraged and calls his attorney requesting primary custody of the children for himself. Needless to say, Kay is upset and angry about Jack's legal attempt.

Even though Jack admits to Kay's sister that he knows the kids would be better off with Kay and he knows she will win a custody battle in court-he wants to proceed with the request anyway.

The situations emerging around Kay and Jack's divorce might sound familiar to you. As you are
probably already aware, in cases like this everyone involved-especially the children- usually come away emotionally (and financially) drained.

It doesn't have to be this way! If Jack and Kay can begin to pay more attention to their intentions, there is a greater chance that relief and even ease can occur.

Look at your intentions
As you face the decisions coming up for you and deal with your emotions, make it a priority to stay clear about what you want. If at all possible, avoid making any significant decisions when you are feeling heightened negative emotions.

You might want to write down what you want at
this time in terms of those practical matters as well as your emotional hopes and aspirations.

What kind of home would you like to live in-- include your children in this vision if that is applicable.

What type of paid work would you enjoy doing? What type of activities do you want to take part in? How do you want to feel about your life and future?

Create a picture of the best life you can imagine for yourself and keep those intentions at the front of your mind.

Acknowledge any doubts and fears that may come up and breathe through them. Just as ocean waves crest and then recede, allow your intense feelings to do the same.

Return frequently to your list of intentions and vision for your future and know that they are possible.

Maintain your focus.
How can Kay and Jack use these suggestions to heal from their divorce?

Let's say that Kay's vision is, at least in the near future, to live and work in her childhood hometown so that she and her children can benefit from the support and comfort of her parents.

Jack appears to Kay as a serious obstacle to her vision for the near future. Kay could choose to meet Jack's fear and anger with her own fear and
anger. How they both are feeling is quite understandable, after all.

On the other hand, she could meet Jack's fear and anger with a continued focus on what she wants. She's talked with the kids, and they want to live with her. She feels confident that this is the best next step for them all.

For his part, Jack might stop the anger-driven path he's currently on and acknowledge that his request for custody is not really part of his intended new life.

He certainly wants to spend time with his children on a regular basis and he also plans to help provide for them financially.

At the same time, he does not want to be the primary person responsible for them. When Jack can focus on his intentions and let go of his fear and pain, he admits that Kay's plan makes sense.

Jack knows that he will see his children and he believes they will have better care with a mom who is supported by extended family.

You can follow these suggestions even if you don't have children involved in your divorce. Get in touch with how you are feeling and know that all emotions are ok.

Learn and practice healthy ways to release your difficult feelings.

Take steps to become clear about your intentions and vision for the future. You might even enjoy this process of creating an image of what you want your life to be like.

Stay focused on those intentions and remain open as they begin to unfold.