Relationship Tips for Talking with Your Partner About Flirting
By Susie and Otto Collins

Are you in a relationship or marriage with someone who flirts and it drives you crazy?

You might struggle with jealousy, fears, worries, irritation and annoyance over your partner's flirting habits.

It could seem to you that your mate rejects you when he or she flirts. Or it may appear to
you that your partner is flaunting his or her attractiveness in your face by flirting.

It could also be that you see your partner as naive
as he or she plays this dangerous game by "provocatively teasing" others.

All of these thoughts, and others, might fill your mind as you watch or hear about your partner's flirting. And the jealousy and intense emotions that accompany your thoughts can begin to dominate your relationship-- and your life.

There are many ways you could choose to deal with your partner's flirting.

*You could flirt with others in an attempt to "turn the tables" on your mate.
*You could let out all of your anger in a tirade on your partner.
*You could ignore the flirting and just hope it goes away.
*You could present your partner with an ultimatum that he or she stop flirting or you will leave the relationship.

These are all possible responses you might decide to take to deal with your mate's flirting.

All of these options have potential drawbacks
that could erode trust even more in your relationship and make you feel more upset than you already do.

Whatever you decide to do, consider the possible consequences-- both desired and undesired-- for the action (or inaction).

For example, if you are to the point where you want to issue an ultimatum about your partner's flirting, be sure you are ready and willing to follow through on your threat to leave the relationship.

You might be at that point where you could walk away if the flirting does not stop immediately-- or you might not want to end your relationship right now or in this way.

Communication is key
There is certainly internal work that needs to happen when you are feeling disconnected and upset with your partner about something like
flirting.

Take the time to check in with yourself and become clear about what you truly want in this situation.

Ask yourself if there are other ways of viewing this situation and take notice if you have unresolved past experiences that might be affecting your perspective of the present moment.

But it is essential that you and your mate talk about what's going on.

If you are upset by his or her flirting, chances are pretty high that the two of you are disconnected. There might be needs that are not being met for both of you in your relationship. The flirting may
possibly be a by-product of this.

When you communicate with your partner about his or her flirting, approach the conversation from a place where you are very clear about how you are feeling and what your ultimate goal is for the talk.

For example, become aware if it is more important to you to resolve the conflict between the two of you and move closer together or if your priority is on being "proven right" that your mate's flirting is
the root of your relationship problems.

The topic of the communication will still be flirting and how you feel about it in both cases.

But the difference is, if your priority is to be "right" and to place "blame" solely at the feet of your partner, your talk will undoubtedly not be one in which the two of you can connect.

Instead, one or both of you will probably become defensive and close down.

If, however, you focus in on owning how you are feeling and you speak honestly about what you want for your relationship and yourself, you
can have a more open and potentially connecting conversation.

The two of you are more likely to come up with some agreements and a plan for the future when you both stay open and you each feel listened
to.

"I feel..."
Try these two simple words-- "I feel..." as a way to encourage openness when you communicate about flirting and your relationship.

The magic of the "I feel..." phrase is that it allows you to share exactly how you are feeling. You can let your partner know how hurt, neglected, rejected, irritated, fearful or whatever it is you usually feel when he or she flirts.

For instance, you might say, "I feel rejected and fearful when I see you flirting with other women."

Resist the urge to say "You make me feel..." or "You caused my feelings..." even though your emotions are linked to his or her flirting.

Avoid saying, "I feel like you are ruining our
relationship" or a similar statement.

Simply own how you are feeling and express it. Stick with actual emotions that your experiencing
rather than making your partner "wrong" or "to blame."

You might follow up your "I feel..." statement with a request.

You could ask your partner to help create some agreements with you about the types of interactions with others you both deem to be appropriate.

You two might come up with a signal that you can give your partner in a social setting that indicates to him or her that you need to re-connect and check in.

If you are willing to stay in this relationship, why not do whatever you can to encourage a sense of openness?

Take steps to rebuild trust by being aware of how you are communicating with your partner about flirting or other issues that are coming up in your
relationship.