Flirting and Jealousy: Don't Get Tripped Up By Relationship Tricks
By Susie and Otto Collins

Making your partner jealous by flirting with others is not a good idea if you want a closer relationship! No matter how many times we read advice such as this in dating or relationship guides, we literally never agree with it.

Sometimes it's recommended that a little flirting can cause just enough jealousy in your partner that he or she will feel more excited to be with you. We believe that instead of excitement, flirting with the intention to make your mate jealous will only bring you disconnection and foster mistrust.

If it's an alive, connected and close relationship that you want, jealous tricks such as flirting will only trip you up.

Some proponents of flirting and jealousy as a way to spice up love relationships point to the seduction factor. They often argue that if your partner feels like he or she has to "win" your affections and sees that you are "in demand,"
an increase in intensity and passion will result.

You might end up causing your mate to feel insecure and realize that he or she can't take you for granted, but is this really what you want motivating your partner? Do you really think that a fear-laden or competitive situation is conducive to the kind of relationship you want?

We think that you risk ending up with mistrust, distance and even more emptiness and negativity when you try to influence your partner by flirting with others.

Tonya desperately wants to get Ric's attention. They've dated for 4 years now and Tonya is anxious and feels taken for granted. It seems like Ric is never willing to talk about getting married or moving in together yet he has no problem assuming that she'll always be available to go out
with him each weekend.

Tonya feels frustrated, hurt and confused. She knows that she is ready to commit on a deeper level to Ric, but doesn't know how to get him to
join her there.

Ready to take a risk, Tonya decides that the next time she and Ric go out, she will visibly flirt with a male acquaintance of theirs who also frequents the same club.  She plans to even invite this other man to slow dance. Her hope is that Ric will be so jealous and fearful of losing her, he'll be ready to talk marriage.

Look at what's motivating you.
If you think a jealous trick such as flirting will spice up, save or resurrect your relationship, stop right there.  Step back from the situation and, before taking another step forward in your plans, examine your motivations. What are the needs that you are trying to fulfill by flirting?

Maybe you want more attention from your partner or perhaps you are lonely and just want to know that you are still attractive. It could be that you are afraid that you've lost the spark with your mate and you just don't know how to get it back any other way. Try to get a clearer idea of the unmet needs that are driving you to flirt and attempt to make your mate jealous.

After intentionally turning her back to Ric and talking animatedly with this other man, Tonya begins to have doubts about her plan. She realizes that this really isn't fair to Ric or this other man who is a nice guy and has no idea of Tonya's real motives in offering him her attentions.

Tonya also realizes that her jealous trick could backfire. Ric may not react in the way she'd like him to. In fact, he may back away even more from making a bigger commitment to her as a result of this flirting.

Tonya understands that all she really wants is to move closer to Ric. She wonders if there is another way to get what she wants.

Make a decision and open up to other ways to meet your needs.
If you open up, you can begin to see that there are many other options for meeting your needs out there besides flirting or other jealous tricks. Get creative and adventurous within your current relationship if you want a spicier, more passionate connection.

Perhaps your partner is also wanting to liven up your relationship and would welcome exploring new ways to be intimate with you.

If, like Tonya, you feel ignored or taken for granted, talk with your partner about how you feel. Focus on your emotions rather than blaming him or her. Stay open and listen when your mate shares with you what he or she would like from your relationship. Focus in on the places where what you each desire overlaps and go from there.

Before asking this other man to dance with her, Tonya stops the flirting and plan to make Ric jealous. She can already sense Ric's confusion because she's been directing her attention to another man.

Tonya politely ends her conversation with this acquaintance and turns to Ric. She asks him if he'd be willing to go somewhere quiet where they can talk.

Tonya knows that Ric may still not be ready to get
married, but she'd like to know more clearly what his vision for the future of their relationship looks like. She plans to also share her vision with him and see if they can continue together.

She feels nervous and a little uncertain, but she knows that this is the path that will take her closer to the relationship she is truly wanting.

You might be surprised when you look beneath the surface of your urge to flirt or make your partner jealous.  Discovering your needs and deeper feelings can help you know the next step you could take.

Trust the knowledge that comes to you from this inner listening and trust in its wisdom. There are always multiple paths to choose from-- your opportunity is to open up and see them.