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Anger: What to Do About This Roadblock to Trust
By Susie and Otto Collins
Sarina has promised herself that she won't let her husband,
Timothy,
yell and scream at her again. They've both been under a lot
of
strain during the past year.
After Sarina had an affair,
they almost
split up.
She admitted the infidelity to Timothy, they took some time
to
decide what they each would do next and then, as a couple,
they chose
to stay together.
They both want to work things out. Sarina has apologized to
Timothy
for her mistake, she's made her life an open book to him and
has
tried to make amends in any way she can.
Timothy has been working to forgive Sarina but he still
feels very
angry and hurt. He can see that she is trying to help
rebuild trust,
but he always comes back to images in his mind of her
cheating with
another man.
In an effort to save their marriage, Timothy tries to just
push past
his anger.
He tries to stay focused on what's going on now
instead
of on the past. But, unfortunately, those upsetting images
come up
again and again in his mind.
He flies off the handle and yells at Sarina over even the
littlest
of things. Recently, he felt so mad at her, he had to
restrain
himself from hitting her.
Being violent to Sarina is the
LAST thing
Timothy wants to do.
Our aversion to anger.
Anger is one of those things that every single one of us
feels from
time to time. The intensity of anger varies from person to
person
and the way that anger is expressed is also different.
A lot of us have had frightening experiences in the past--
perhaps
as children-- watching adults be angry with one another or
even
having that anger directed at us.
Anger can come out in
destructive,
hurtful and even violent ways.
For this reason, many people have an aversion to anger. We
cringe or
go into a defensive mode when we are around people who are
angry. We
tend to deny or try to ignore our own angry feelings.
In short, just about all of us do whatever we can to get as
far away
from anger as we possibly can...even if the anger is within
ourselves.
The trouble with this understandable reaction to anger is
that it
just doesn't work.
Yes, of course, giving space to a loved one who is having an
angry
meltdown is possibly a wise idea.
But, when you are the one
who is
angry, there's nowhere to hide. You've got to own up to how
you are
feeling and find ways to express those emotions that are
healthy and
non-violent.
A first step to improving communication with your partner if
either
or both of you have a tendency to become angry is to
acknowledge that
you do feel anger.
Practice responding instead of reacting.
Regardless of whether or not you are the one with the "anger
problem" in your love relationship or marriage, it's vital
that you
learn how to respond instead of react.
Anger-- whether you deny it or spew it out-- can be a
roadblock to
rebuilding trust after infidelity.
If you two are trying to heal after infidelity, there might
be more
tension, stress and uncertainty. This can most certainly be
a
challenge for anyone who has a difficult time with anger
(which
includes quite a few of us).
If you tend to have a short fuse and you get intensely angry
easily,
take ownership for your habit.
Don't make this about your
partner.
Yes, he or she may have said or done things that were not
okay and
even very hurtful.
You are certainly entitled to feel how you feel.
However, if you want to heal and improve your relationship,
you've
got to be responsible for what you do with your angry
feelings.
Don't take them out on your partner-- no matter how much he
or she
might seem to deserve that.
Most definitely, do NOT allow your anger to explode in
violence
(physical, emotional, sexual or other forms) directed at
your mate,
yourself or another person.
This is never okay and it's not
going to
help you or your relationship.
If your partner is the one who usually blows his or her top,
you
still need to pay attention to your own habits. There are
possibly
ways in which your own reactions to a situation are fueling
the
anger.
During a calm moment, you two could create some reasonable
and
realistic communication agreements.
Be honest about this and come up with strategies for what
you each
could do when tensions rise and anger is expressed.
Be clear
about
boundaries and limits for what you each feel is and is not
acceptable
when it comes to communicating about your feelings.
There are no wrong or bad feelings. Anger is just an
emotion. It
is a natural part of being a human being.
How you express your feelings and how you respond to your
partner's
feelings is up to you.
It can make a difference in whether
or not
you two can rebuild trust and restore your relationship.
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