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4 Strategies to Help You Get Past
the Past
By Susie and Otto Collins
Kevin wishes that he could just get over it.
His wife, Linda, had a brief affair with a co-worker 3 years
ago.
When he found out about the affair just after it happened,
Kevin was
devastated.
He wasn't sure that he could even look at Linda
again,
let alone remain married to her.
A lot has changed since that time. Kevin decided to stay in
the
marriage and he gives Linda credit for taking ownership for
her
affair.
She has really worked hard to prove to him that he
can trust
her and that she loves him. The two of them are far more
open and
honest with one another than they ever were.
The trouble is that Kevin just can't seem to get past the
past.
Even though he can see that Linda has made amends for her
mistake, at
the back of his mind he keeps watching her and waiting. He
continues
to "see" Linda cheating again and this makes him
jealous and keeps him distant
from her.
Your partner's affair may have been a long time ago or it
could have
occurred more recently. What matters the most is that you
find
strategies that work for you and that help you overcome
jealousy and move past
what
happened.
The only way to create the kind of love relationship or
marriage
that you want after infidelity is to move beyond the affair
and-- in
healthy ways-- let it go.
We are certainly NOT advising you to pretend that the affair
didn't
happen or to ignore your very real feelings.
Ignoring,
denying
feelings and pretending are just not effective or healthy
for you or
your relationship.
Instead, try these 4 strategies to help you get past the
past...
#1: Be present.
Practice staying in the present moment.
This is so essential
to you
two being able to rebuild trust. It's nearly impossible to
create
the kind of relationship you want if you are continually
reacting to
your partner from the past.
Notice it when you begin to make an assumption about your
partner
(or yourself) that is accurate for what happened around the
affair,
but may not be true today.
Your breath can be a useful to help you return to the
present.
When
you have a thought about your relationship or your partner
that was
true in the past but isn't necessarily true today, just
pause and
breathe.
Don't try to rationalize why that thought might still be
true or
argue with yourself about it. Just recognize that your focus
is on
the past and breathe as a way to re-focus yourself on what's
going on
right now.
#2: Talk about it.
Talking about the affair with your mate is most likely not
your idea
of a good time.
It's probably not going to be helpful-- or
keep you
living in the present moment-- to keep rehashing the details
of the
infidelity.
However, it's important for you and your partner
to
acknowledge how you are feeling, right now, and that might
relate to
the affair.
Be honest about your feelings and request that your partner
create
specific agreements with you that can help you two move
closer
together.
If you allow honest and open
communication, you both can
learn a lot
from the affair. You can actually start to see that the
infidelity
was (most likely) part of bigger problems going on in your
relationship.
Yes, your partner chose to cheat.
However, there were
undoubtedly a
lot of other factors that contributed to the disconnection
that may
have led to the affair.
#3: Clean up "bad" habits.
As you have this communication with your partner and start
to better
understand what factors may have led to the affair, you're
probably
going to realize that you and your mate have developed some
"bad"
habits.
These might still be going on today.
Let's be clear here... We're talking about habits being
"bad" and
NOT people.
To be even more clear... Habits are actually NOT "bad" or
"good,"
they are just habits.
What you need to start noticing is which habits are taking
you and
your partner further away from one another and which are
helping you
move closer together.
Those habits-- which may involve communication, intimacy,
priorities, decision-making and more-- that don't help you
two to
rebuild trust and re-connect are the habits that you may
want to
change.
Identify those disconnecting and trust-eroding habits that
you both
have and begin to develop new habits instead.
#4: Forgive.
Forgiveness can seem like a daunting task. It can feel like
something that you "have to" or "should" do in order to heal
and
repair your relationship.
For forgiveness to be truly effective in rebuilding trust,
it cannot
happen grudgingly or because you believe that you "should"
do it. It
needs to happen in the course of healing and it is also a
necessary
element of healing.
Start out by inviting yourself to forgive your partner.
Remind
yourself that you are taking steps to release the past so
that you
can be freer from the anger, resentment, sadness and grief
related to
the affair.
Remember that you are doing this to open up to a
new
phase of your relationship.
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