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Jealousy
Jealous Partner Tips:
"Help! My mate feels threatened by my best friend!"
By Susie and Otto Collins
If you've ever been in a situation where your partner is
jealous, you probably know how much stress and strain
jealousy can be put on a relationship.
Jealousy is uncomfortable and destructive for the person
feeling it. But it's also difficult and upsetting for
the partner of the jealous person.
If your partner has is jealous, you might feel wrongly
accused or mistrusted. It may seem to you that you have to
account for your time away from your mate as if you've
committed some kind of a betrayal-- although you know that
you haven't.
It could even feel like no matter what you say or do, your
partner won't or can't believe you.
This is frustrating! And this whole dynamic of jealousy,
mistrust and resentment can create serious distance between
you and your mate.
Jessie and Bob have been close friends since elementary
school. They've fallen in and out of contact with one
another over the years, but particularly since college, the
two have relied on one another for for support and advice.
Even though they are both heterosexual, their friendship has
never been more than that and they are each happy with this.
Jessie's fiance Rick, however, isn't happy about Jessie and
Bob's friendship. He feels like now that he and Jessie are
getting married, it's about time for her to radically alter
her friendship with Rick.
Bob sees Rick and this so-called "friendship" as a definite
threat to his relationship with Jessie.
Needless to say, Jessie and Bob's relationship is becoming
more and more strained. Their wedding planning has been put
on hold as they each try to figure out a way to resolve this
tricky situation.
Communicate Openly and Honestly.
When you are with a jealous partner, it is essential that
the two of you develop open and honest communication skills.
There's nothing like misspoken or unclear talk to
set off an argument or insinuate something that is just not
accurate.
As sure as you are that your mate has no reason to worry and
nothing to be jealous of, make sure you are being
transparent and that you speak and act with integrity.
Become aware of how you are communicating and, for a moment,
step back and ask yourself if what you are saying could
potentially be misunderstood.
When Jessie stops and thinks about the ways that she talks
about Rick to her fiance Bob, she can begin to understand
why Bob might feel threatened.
Jessie has a lot of respect for Rick and knows how far he's
come in his life, overcoming obstacles. She realizes how her
sense of respect and pride in her friend's accomplishments
might sound suspicious to Bob.
Jessie also realizes that she doesn't offer Bob the same
level of verbalized respect. She loves Bob deeply and, yes,
she does respect him. At the same time, she knows that she
doesn't always express her pride about him to him.
Especially if your partner is jealous of a friend of
yours, it might be helpful for you to take a closer look at
how you treat these two special people in your life.
How can you genuinely show your mate that you choose him or
her as your partner in this romantic, intimate love
relationship? Maybe it's time to say those things that you
believe he or she already knows.
Listen and Stay Open.
Jessie decides that she would like to start moving forward
planning her wedding with Bob. She doesn't want to lose him
and she doesn't think she should have to choose between her
friendship with Rick and marrying Bob either.
She asks Bob to sit down with her to talk about the growing
disconnection between them as well as their future together.
Jessie promises Bob that she'll listen to how he's feeling
and stay open to what he has to say.
She also requests that Bob then listen to her and really try
to understand about this friendship she has with Rick.
When you communicate with your partner about his or her
jealous feelings, you might not listen as closely because
you may believe you already know what your mate's going to
say.
It is vital that you listen-- even if you don't agree
with what you're hearing. There will be time for you to
clarify and clear up inaccuracies.
When you begin a conversation already closed down, it's
really not communication at all.
As you listen to your partner talk about his or her
jealous feelings, try to tune in to the needs and emotions
he or she might have, rather than the stories that are being
told that may or may not be true for you.
When you address what's been communicated, focus mainly on
the feelings and needs-- this includes your needs too.
Be sure you are clear about what you want and how you'd like
future situations to be handled. This might require that you
and your partner make agreements about issues that tend to
trigger jealousy in him or her.
This might also require you to set boundaries.
As difficult as jealousy can be to handle, believe it or
not, you and your mate can actually come through this more
closely connected than before.
You can learn how to communicate with one another in a more
honest and open way which will carry over into other areas
of your relationship.
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