Restoring Trust After Lies:
"What will it take for my partner to believe me again?"
By Susie and Otto Collins

If you are the one who lied in your relationship, you might be in a frustrating and confusing place.

Perhaps you have admitted to your lying and any other betrayal of trust that may have happened. And you have probably also expressed your regret as you apologized for hurting your mate.

You might have made a shift and are now focused on doing whatever you can to restore trust in your relationship.

But it seems to you that, no matter how honest you try to be, your partner just can't get over the past.

You may be worried that he or she will never believe what you say or do again!

What you might already know is that you cannot make your partner trust you again. Your power lies in your own actions, words and comportment.

This means that while you can't cause your mate to release the past or forgive you for what happened, you can take responsibility for your own self.

Focus most of your attention on becoming trustable-- not only to your partner, but also to yourself.

The string of decisions that led to you lying probably eroded your own sense of self-trust.

It doesn't matter whether you had an affair and lied to cover it up or you told lies about something more or less "serious" in your judgment.

The fact of matter is, you lied and now you are trying to rebuild a sense of trust and connection both with your partner and within yourself.

As you work from within to heal your own wounds and pain-filled emotions, you can slowly begin to re-connect with your mate.

Learn to trust yourself
It is vital that you learn to trust yourself again. This is for your benefit and also for the potential improvement in your relationship.

When you don't believe yourself, it shows. Your
comportment-- or body language-- will tell the world that you don't find yourself to be trustworthy.

Even if you have done nothing wrong and you are being completely honest, as you continue to hold onto the image of yourself as someone who cannot be trusted, your body language will communicate this image more than what might really be the truth.

But as you begin to forgive yourself and heal, your
comportment will start to transmit a different message to your partner and others.

Your growing confidence in your own trustworthiness will come through and, consequently, you will appear more trustworthy to others-- your body language will be a better match to the improvements you're making.

Be transparent and open
While you do this important inner work learning to trust yourself again, continue to be transparent and open with your mate.

Make it a point to regularly share with him or her what you've been doing and who you've been with.

Do this with an intention to rebuild trust and establish a sense of openness rather than from an "I have to" attitude.

You might think about being transparent as a way to share and re-connect about what you do when you're apart. Listen and engage with the information your partner shares with you in return.

Stay tuned in to yourself and to what you want and need in your relationship.

Your desires to restore trust and move toward the relationship you want are valid-- no matter what you did in the past.

In fact, sometimes lying in a relationship occurs because one or both people are not aware of or clearly communicating their needs.

Follow through on everything
It is also vital that you follow through on the agreements you make-- especially at this time.

As you restore trust, make a commitment to yourself and to your partner that you will not make an agreement that you are not willing or able to keep.

And then do whatever you can to keep your word.

Sometimes in a relationship people agree to something even if they are not 100% sure they want to follow through.

It seems, at the time, easier to just say "yes" and move on.

This won't help you rebuild trust!

Instead, feel into yourself and only make agreements that you feel like you can and will keep.

Make it clear to your mate that you are changing your habit of just saying "yes" to anything in order to ensure follow through. You can also ask him or her to do the same with you.

If you find that you are unable to keep an  agreement for whatever reason, it is imperative that you immediately communicate what's going on with your partner and request a new agreement.

Celebrate your growing trustability
Don't wait for your mate to verbally commend you for the improvements you've made. Celebrate your own growing trustability.

Notice and applaud your own strides as you make them one decision at a time.

Allow your partner to heal and forgive you at his or her own pace. And, at the same time, give yourself credit for the changes you are making.