Trust Rebuilding Tips: 4 Ways to Get Started Rebuilding Trust When You're the One Who Cheated
By Susie and Otto Collins


When you were a child and you told your parents a lie and then got caught, it may have felt to you like a big deal.

You might have been punished and you might have cried and said "I'm sorry."

As an adult, if you broke trust in your relationship by having an affair (or in another way), it probably also feels like a big deal to you.

Perhaps the last thing you wanted to do was to hurt your partner-- but through a succession of ill-made decisions, you did anyway.

Now trust is diminished and you know that simply saying "I'm sorry" isn't going to be enough to rebuild your connection and relationship.

There are, of course, no guarantees that any relationship will last-- even if there is no infidelity. Cheating, as you probably already know, undermines trust and puts an added strain on all involved.

If your partner is willing to stay with you and try to work things out, this is your chance to do whatever you can to make amends.

Although rebuilding trust falls largely on your shoulders, it is not completely your responsibility.

In fact, in order for a relationship to rebound, both you and your mate need to be actively working. You both will need to learn from what happened, identify disconnecting habits that might have pre-
dated the affair and make changes.

Here are 4 ways to get started rebuilding trust...

#1) Be transparent and honest.
This is absolutely essential.

If your desire is to do your part in helping to rebuild trust, make it clear to yourself and your partner that you will be as transparent and honest as you can possibly be.

This means that you are upfront about where and with whom you've been and that you are willing to provide proof to back up your claims.

It might feel uncomfortable to you to be transparent and to possibly make your private e-mail and phone records open to your mate, for example.

Keep checking in with yourself about this and remember why you are being so open.

This shouldn't be about you being punished, instead make it about rebuilding the foundation of trust in your relationship-- one step at a time.

#2) Listen to what your partner needs.
After saying "I'm sorry" and taking ownership for the affair (or other betrayal of trust), ask your mate to let you know what he or she needs from you.

There is a lot of internal healing work that your partner has to do that may even involve past experiences.

But there are probably many specific actions that you could take to help prove to your partner that you can be and are trustable.

If your mate cannot think of anything you could do to prove that you are trustworthy, be patient. You might make suggestions and you could also refer him or her to resources with ideas.

What your partner might need from you most of all for a period of time is space. He or she may want to process feelings and get a clearer perspective of what the next step could be.

#3) Listen to what you need.
No matter how desperately you want to make things "right" in your relationship, don't agree to anything and everything that your partner requests.

Think about it first.

Is this action something that you are truly willing to follow through on and do? Does this feel like a reasonable request to you given the circumstances?

It's vital that you listen closely to your own needs. The reason that you cheated in the first place could very well be because certain needs of yours were not being met in your relationship.

This is not about blaming your partner for not satisfying you in some way.

Instead, it is about you taking responsibility for
determining what it is you want and need from your relationship and then being honest with your mate.

Stay open to finding the ways you both can feel satisfied.

Continually beating up on yourself for having an affair will not help you meet your own needs and will not help rebuild trust between you and your mate.

Keep working on forgiving yourself and continue
to focus on the future you desire.

#4) Make rebuilding relationship trust a priority.
If a healthy, close, and trust-filled relationship is what you want, keep that vision at the forefront of your mind.

Do whatever you can to keep pointing toward that goal.

Talk with your partner about what a trusting relationship looks like to each of you and then come up with ideas for how the two of you can
create what you want.

If you find yourselves falling back into the
habits that drove you apart in the past, notice what you're doing and then make a shift.

Every time that you follow through on being transparent, every time you and your partner have an open and honest discussion and every time you act in a way that helps rebuild trust, commend yourselves.

Build on this appreciation and recognition as trust re-grows.