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"Trust is Coming Back but Passion
has Died-- Is Our Relationship
Over?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Karen and Tom have been diligent about creating more honesty
and
openness with one another after her affair over a year ago.
When Tom
decided to give Karen, and their marriage, a second chance
he made it
clear to her that things needed to change.
In the years leading up to Karen's affair, both she and Tom
were
very busy and focused in on their careers and their kids.
They
rarely made time for one another and became accustomed to
turning to
other people in their lives for both support and enjoyment.
After months of meeting with a couples' coach, Tom and Karen
can see
how disconnected they were. Tom can understand what
contributed to
Karen's decision to cheat-- even if he still feels hurt by
it.
While trust in their marriage has slowly and steadily been
rebuilding over the past several months, passion between
them has not
come back.
They've started making love with one another
again
recently, but it's lacked the level of spark and excitement
that they
used to enjoy when it came to sex.
Tom is worried that he'll never be able to fully get over
being
betrayed. Karen fears that her affair-- and the relationship
mistakes
they both made-- has killed passion in their marriage.
Neither of them are content with a passion-less
relationship, but
they don't know what to do about it.
If you or your mate has had an affair and you have decided
to stay
together to work things out, you both may be focusing in on
rebuilding trust. This makes a lot of sense.
If you try to merely go back to your love relationship or
marriage
as if there were no betrayal of trust and breakdown of
connection,
you will probably find yourself hurt all over again.
You and
your
partner will only end up further apart unless you take the
time to
learn from the infidelity.
Rebuilding trust is essential. However, nobody wants to
preserve
and maintain a relationship that is passion-less.
It's just
as
important that you allow the space for you and your partner
to re-discover your passion and love for one another too.
Here are some tips to help you do that...
Recognize what's going right.
After infidelity, some couples become so focused in on what
went
wrong and all of their "bad" relationship habits that they
become
rather serious and even pessimistic.
They can mostly see the way that they still are doing some
of the
things that tore them apart in the past and it can be
frustrating.
What they are ignoring are those positive-- sometimes
little--
strides that they each are making.
When you can only see what's wrong in your relationship,
even if
your intentions are for the best, you are short-circuiting
the
potential for connection and passion.
Be sure you are acknowledging it when you try a different
response
with your partner instead of reacting in the same way you
used to.
Give your mate credit when he or she tries something
different too.
When either or both of you follow through with your
promises, reach
a resolution to a disagreement or are honest with one
another about a
difficult topic, take a few moments to notice that.
Feel
gratitude
for this positive growth.
From this recognition and sense of gratitude you can more
easily
open up to passion.
Continue to make changes that bring improvement.
By all means, be sure that you are continuing to turn around
those
disconnecting relationship habits. Do this without blame and
judgment if at all possible.
For example, if your partner has a tendency to withhold
information
and you have a tendency to be jealous, be on the lookout for
signs
that this dynamic is cropping up again.
Take responsibility
for your
share in this destructive relationship "dance" and support
your
partner as he or she tries to be aware of it and makes
changes too.
Continue to create agreements that will point your
relationship in
an improved direction. Be willing to keep honestly and
openly
talking about those topics that are a challenge for you
both.
This level of engagement will not only help you to rebuild
trust and
create new habits, it will also move you closer together
again...which can re-start the spark between you.
Be patient with yourself and your partner. Change can take
time.
This is why noticing the positive changes (no matter how
small) along
the way is so valuable.
Don't force or over-think it.
There's nothing worse than trying to force yourself to feel
something that you want to feel but you just don't feel yet.
This is especially true when it come to passion and
intimacy.
If your partner cheated and you are having a difficult time
opening
yourself up sensually and intimately to him or her, take it
slowly.
You might give one another back massages, slow dance
together or just
hold hands as you take a walk.
Re-introduce passion by providing opportunities for gentle,
loving
and (when you are ready) sensual and sexual touches between
you two.
Make sure you and your partner are having fun together.
Rebuilding
trust and changing destructive relationship habits can
become hard
and painful work!
Take time to watch a comedy film together, get out in nature
and
breathe in the fresh air, play a light-hearted sport
together or
whatever is enjoyable to you.
The sharing and the fun can also be a place for passion to
re-ignite.
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