How to Create Trustable Moments After Infidelity
By Susie and Otto Collins

When infidelity happens in your relationship, decisions need to be made in order to move on. You and your partner-- individually and as a couple-- need to decide whether you will end your relationship, take some time apart, or stay
together.

Rebuilding trust is something that will benefit you both whether or not you stay together. But it is especially essential to learn to trust yourselves and one another if you are staying together.

One way to rebuild trust in your relationship is by creating trustable moments. It is kind of like building a sand castle.

If you've ever enjoyed a day at the beach constructing cities or structures out of sand and water, you know that there are tricks to this pastime.

If you dump too huge a bucket of sand onto a shaky foundation, the whole thing will undoubtedly crumble. However, when you gradually pat and mold layers of moistened sand, you can end up with an impressive-looking and relatively stable result.

Trustable moments are a lot like the sand and water you use to make that fabulous sand castle. In each and every day, look for ways to be and show trustworthiness.

These may not be huge actions or decisions. Often, it's the accumulation of regularly occurring acts of honesty and integrity that help rebuild trust.

Julie and Tim are at a crossroads in their marriage. After ending the affair she was having with a co-worker, Julie made a complete confession to Tim.

It was probably the most difficult thing she's ever had to do and now, in the aftermath of the infidelity, neither Tim nor Julie knows what to do next.

They both want to try to pick up the pieces of their marriage but exactly how to go about doing that is
the question.

As much as both of them want to forgive and let go of what happened, they each worry that Julie will slip up again or, that this time, Tim will be the one to betray their agreements.

Stay Awake!
In order to get started rebuilding trust after an affair, you need to be awake and aware of how you feel and what your partner is communicating to you.

You can be on the lookout for potentially trustable moments when you are tuned in to what's going on within you and in your relationship.

After all, many times couples are on a sort of autopilot disconnected from themselves and one another when infidelity happens. This can occur for various reasons, but the effects are almost always detrimental.

After making it her intention to rebuild trust with Tim, Julie decides to wake up, tune in and stay that way. Her life is busy and demanding as many people's lives are, so Julie uses her breathing as a tool.

A church nearby her office building chimes every hour on the hour. Each time Julie hears the chimes, she pauses, takes a deep breath and
notices how she's feeling.

At home, with Tim, Julie pays attention to the clock and does the same thing. Believe it or not, staying tuned in like this, allows Julie to more
quickly identify how she's feeling which she can then choose to share with Tim.

Building on this practice of staying awake through
breathing, Julie is also more easily aware of opportunities to rebuild trust with Tim.

For example, she never realized how important keeping the communication flowing between them
was before, but now she can clearly see and act accordingly.

She knows that Tim really appreciates e-mails, text messages or phone calls a couple of times a day to keep in touch with one another while apart.

For Julie and Tim this open line of communication is not about Tim spying on Julie, instead, it's about creating a trustable moment where connection can happen.

Appreciate what's amassing.
If you sit long enough patting moistened sand in layers upon layers, you end up with a relatively big sand castle. You might then stand up and admire your creation.

As Julie and Tim begin to tune in to themselves and one another, they find more and more opportunities to rebuild trust.

As the trust rebuilds, Julie and Tim are even able to address the gaps in their connection that may have contributed to the affair in the first place.

Trustable moments are beginning to amass and make both of them feel more hopeful about their
future together.

As you create more and more trustable moments in your relationship, be sure to allow space to appreciate the shifts that are happening.

Not only does it feel good to realize that you are making strides and turning closer and closer toward one another, it is also a confidence builder.

When you appreciate the steps that you and your mate have taken toward rebuilding trust, you can more easily taken even more steps. You know you can do it because you notice that you have.

Infidelity is something that probably no one wants to have happen in their marriage.

But when it does and you and your partner decide to stay together, you can eventually turn a difficult and painful situation into a closer and more connected trusting relationship than you experienced before.