Are You Ready for Romance Again but Your Partner is Not?
By Susie and Otto Collins

It's been over a year since Jenny discovered that her husband Cliff had an affair.

Even though Cliff assured her (and provided proof to back up his claim) that the affair was brief and that he'd ended it, Jenny was shocked and felt betrayed.

During the months since that time, Jenny and Cliff have both made significant changes in the way that they communicate, interact and spend their time.

They met with a relationship coach for several
months and, with her help, have formed new, healthier habits.

In some ways, Jenny and Cliff's marriage is becoming stronger than it has ever been. Jenny has mostly forgiven Cliff, but there are moments when the memories of his betrayal and the hurt overwhelm her.

Cliff has tried to be romantic again with Jenny. He wants to take her to a cozy, secluded cabin in the woods for an intimate weekend alone.

While Jenny is glad that Cliff finds her attractive and sexy, she is not sure that she is ready to take this step yet.

If something happened in the recent past to erode trust in your relationship, you undoubtedly noticed a decline in your intimate interactions as well.

It's really tough to open up and allow yourself to give and receive romantic or intimate sharing when you don't completely trust your partner.

Of course, there are people who "fake it," but that doesn't benefit either person.

If you and your mate have been making changes in the way that you interact and you two have been gradually rebuilding trust, congratulations!

It makes sense that you would want to become closer and more intimate with your partner.

Being romantic is certainly one way to set the mood and express your desire for more passion.

Troubles can come up, however, when your partner is just not ready to take that step with you yet.

Try not to take it personally.
Unfortunately, if he or she is honest with you about not wanting to be romantic or intimate right now, you might take it personally.

It could feel like a rejection for you to hear your partner say something like, "I need to take it slow. I'm not ready for romance yet."

You might feel irritated or impatient and wonder how long you will have to wait.

You might also try to guess about why your partner is hesitating.

All of this can undermine the trust rebuilding that you've been working at.

When you take it personally, you essentially shut
yourself down to the true reasons why your mate is asking you to wait a little bit longer.

We know, it may not be easy to do, but if you are ready for romance and your mate is not, take a slow, deep breath and communicate about
it.

Be willing to listen with openness and non-judgment to the reasons why your partner is saying no to romance right now.

You might find that you gain a better understanding of where he or she is in terms of your healing relationship.

You might also find that your mate is not saying "never," but instead is saying "not yet."

There is a big difference between "never" and "not yet."

If you close down to communication and merely become angry or blameful, you won't be able to hear that.

Take steps toward romance and intimacy that you both are ready for.
When Jenny told Cliff that she is not ready to go away with him for a romantic and intimate weekend get-away, he was initially upset.

He has been wanting to be close with her again and misses their lovemaking.

Deep down inside, Cliff feels slightly rejected by Jenny. He worries that she'll never be able to fully trust him enough to receive his romantic advances.

Cliff acknowledges all of his feelings to himself and then he asks Jenny to talk about her feelings right now and their future together.

It is an honest and informative talk for them both. Jenny can hear from Cliff that he doesn't only want to go away with her to be sexual again.

He tells her that he misses the closeness and intimacy, but it's not just about sex.

Jenny tells Cliff that she would like to be more intimate with him and she would like to-- one day soon-- be sexually intimate together.

She appreciates his invitation for the weekend get-away, but it feels like too much right now.

They decide to set a goal to take the weekend get-away in a month or two.

For now, Cliff and Jenny agree to create time for romance and possible intimacy at least once each week. Jenny suggests that they go to dinner and then dancing that weekend.

When you keep the lines of communication open and honest, you might find that your partner is willing to be romantic and possibly even
intimate with you-- it just might be in a different form than you originally had in mind.

Ask one another what level of intimacy and what romantic activities you are each willing to do.

You might find that you're not as far apart in what you want than you initially thought.

Part of rebuilding trust is to meet potential conflict with a willingness to communicate and stay connected.

You can both heal even more and move closer together in the process.