The Whens and Hows of Re-Introducing Romance into Your Love Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins

As you and your partner begin to heal and rebuild trust after infidelity has happened in your love relationship or marriage, you might wonder when it's ok to lighten up the mood and try a little romance.

After all, you probably don't want to give the impression that you think flowers, candles and close dancing will solve all of the problems that you two are sorting through right now.

On the other hand, if the bulk of your interactions with your partner are all about "serious" stuff such as being transparent and communicating more effectively and honestly, the spark that might be
rekindling is not going to have a chance.

It can seem tricky to find that balance between doing the "work" of addressing the challenges you two face AND opening up to enjoying one another's company again in fun as well as sensual and sexual ways.

We encourage you to keep striving to find that balance.

Paul and Jackie have been diligent about their relationship for the past few months as they try to put their relationship back together again after Jackie's affair.

They have been meeting with a relationship coach both individually and together and they are
putting in practice the new skills they are learning.

They are both feeling more at ease in one another's company.

The infidelity seems to be fading into the past more and more each day-- their emotional wounds seem to be less raw and painful.

But Paul and Jackie are still holding back. They have been sleeping in separate bedrooms as they rebuild trust and they've not had a purely romantic date night since long before Jackie's affair.

While the idea of opening up to romance in their relationship again is appealing to both Paul and Jackie, neither is sure that it is the "right time" yet.

And neither knows when that time will be.

When to be romantic again....
There is no set in stone answer to the question, "When is it time to infuse our healing relationship with romance again?"

This is why developing more honest and open communication with your partner is so important. Keep the conversation about romance, sensuality and sexuality ongoing.

Check in with yourself frequently about what you feel ready to try and what you aren't wanting at this time.

Share this information with your mate in a way that makes it clear that this is how you feel right now; it is not necessarily how you will feel in the future.

Concern yourself mostly with what you want and what your partner wants for your relationship in terms of romance at this time and not with what you think is "appropriate" for a couple healing after an affair.

Paul brings up the topic of romance with Jackie one afternoon. He tells her that he'd really like to set aside their "work" for an evening and just go out together and have fun.

This a welcome suggestion for Jackie to hear.

They both know that they will continue to use the techniques and skills they are learning, even when watching a movie or going dancing-- but the main intention will be to have fun together and open up to romance.

As you talk with your partner about where you are in regard to romance, sensuality and sexuality, be honest and clear and stay open as well.

Allow the spark that might be rekindling for you and your partner to glow.

How to be romantic again...
Once you and your partner have agreed that you are both willing to allow your healing relationship to go to this next level, you might find yourself feeling shy or awkward.

It may even seem like it's your first date all over again!

This can be a wonderful thing. Let yourself discover your mate anew.

Look at him or her from a fresh perspective and appreciate what you like.

Ask questions to learn more about makes your partner's toes tingle and heart sing. This might have changed over the years.

You might revisit some activities or ways of being close that you used to share, or you could experiment and find new ones.

Let yourself be swept away in a moment of connecting.

Tapping into romance doesn't mean that you and your partner won't continue to work on the issues you've been working on.

In fact, you'll probably find that your sensual and sexual connecting is deeper and closer than before as you learn to communicate more effectively and as trust grows.

Stay open and continue to tune in to yourself to listen to what feels good to you.

Listen to your partner and let the romance unfold one moment at a time.