Can You Affair-Proof Your Relationship?
By Susie and Otto Collins

A recent internet ad asked "Why men withdraw" and then made the offer: "Learn the secret to creating ATTRACTION so intense he never leaves you."

If you've ever felt worried or fearful that your love will commit infidelity, or end your relationship in this or another way, you may be tempted
by this advertisement and purported relationship secrets.

But is it possible to truly affair-proof your relationship?

Can you realistically prevent your mate from betraying your trust and/or abandoning you in some other way?

The answer to these questions is not an easy "yes" or "no."  Yes, of course, there are ways to deepen your connection and stay close with the one you love.

Keeping an intense passion and spark between you two is one possible aspect.

On the other hand, you can't make it so that your partner "never leaves you." As uncomfortable as it is to hear, your partner is his or her own person and makes decisions that you may be able to influence, but ultimately not ones you can control.

The good news is, you can enjoy the kind of relationship you've always wanted.

You can take steps to be and stay open and connected with your mate and, quite possibly, experience a long-lasting, relationship where there is no infidelity.

Heidi is turning 40 this year and the closer it gets to her birthday, the more depressed and even despairing she feels. She's always been attractive, catching the eye (and even whistles) of men.

Of course she knows she is more than just a pretty face but she also realizes how much she fears losing her physically pleasing attributes as she gets older.

She is even more fearful of losing her husband Richard's eye and, even worse, of him leaving her for a younger, more attractive woman.

Richard has given Heidi no reasons to doubt his commitment to her and their relationship, but as they make love and he comments appreciatively about her body, she inwardly cringes thinking of the inevitable decline that's already started. She wonders how she can keep her man as she ages and, in her mind, loses her beauty.

Change the questions.
Rather than agonizing over how you can prevent your partner from cheating on you whether you're concerned about aging, beauty (or perceived lack thereof), or other reasons, you might try asking yourself different questions.

For example, Heidi might choose to set aside her worries about getting older and, instead, focus on what she wants from her relationship with Richard.

It may seem scary, but-- for just a moment-- don't concern yourself with how to make it to the golden years together with your love.

Come back to this moment in time and allow yourself to celebrate what you like about your relationship and how you could improve and enhance closeness between the two of you. Why are you with this person?

You might also ask yourself why you are worthy of love and a committed relationship. This is kind of a trick question because you may find that you don't believe yourself to be worthy or lovable.

Heidi realizes how much she relies on her perceptions of herself as beautiful for her sense of
worthiness. She can even remember being told as a child that her looks are her most valuable asset.

While she doesn't believe those limiting words, a part of her does and this belief just doesn't serve her. Essentially, this feeds many of her fears and negative feelings about getting older.

The exercise of answering the question, "In what ways am I worthy of love?" can help Heidi to affirm and embrace all of her great attributes and even see the positive in other tendencies she has that she's not so proud of.

Try to see if you can think of at least 5 reasons why you are lovable.

What does attraction have to do with it?
When it comes down to it, how many affairs happen primarily because of physical attraction? There probably are some cases of infidelity that seem to be about sheer physical lust. But there's always a deeper level to explore.

Often affairs are about much more than one person being attracted to another person-- even if the attraction is on an emotional level. It is often the case that an environment of distance (to varying degrees) exists in a relationship where infidelity happens.

The pleasing aspects of another person can be a factor, but this is probably not the root cause of the affair.

To put this another way, no matter how young-looking and physically attractive Heidi keeps herself, if she and Richard allow emotional walls to form between them and they are not communicating and loving one another in connecting ways, either of them may choose to leave the relationship.

This could take the form of a trust betrayal like an affair.

While "intense attraction" is certainly an aspect to many close, passionate love relationships, we don't think this element alone can guarantee your mate will never leave you or have an affair. The best infidelity preventative we know of is connection.

When your connection is strong and you two are continually moving closer to one another, it is more likely you will each keep the agreements you made and love can deepen.