Infidelity Aftermath: How Could An Affair Have Happened In My Marriage and Can We Recover Trust?
By Susie and Otto Collins

When infidelity hits your marriage or relationship, it can rock just about everything you think about yourself, your partner, and your ideas about relationships overall.

Whether you made vows to one another in a marriage ceremony or made other types of relationship promises, when core agreements are violated, trust can most certainly feel broken-- and so may you.

After all, as you were growing up, you probably did not envision infidelity as part of your dream future. Even as an adult, you may characterize in your mind the "good" marriages or relationships as those where cheating just doesn't happen.

And, in what feels like one fell swoop, what used to appear to you as a "good" relationship just
moved over to the "bad" category in your mind.

If you find yourself thinking along these lines, we're here to affirm to you that "good" and "bad" categorizations will not move you out of the pain you may be feeling.

If you want to recover trust, letting go of your preconceived notions and beliefs may help with the healing.

Carl used to think he and Lydia had the perfect marriage. That is until a month ago when she admitted to him that she was having an affair with a friend of theirs. Now in this infidelity aftermath, Carl finds himself questioning anything and everything.

"How could this have happened to us?" he wonders. "Is there something wrong with me that
drove her to cheat?" he worries internally. Or, "Why didn't I see this dark side of Lydia before?"

While Lydia has ended the affair and promised to do whatever it takes to help Carl heal and rebuild trust, Carl wonders if he can even trust her again. None of this is the way Carl thought his life would be.

Let go of beliefs and assumptions that don't serve you....
One way for Carl to begin to make the shift toward healing and re-connection with Lydia is to take a look at his beliefs and assumptions. True, it is Lydia who betrayed his trust and their wedding vows.

But it is unlikely that Carl will truly be able to rebuild trust within himself and with
Lydia until he lets go of his ways of thinking that just don't serve him.

Only Carl, or you, can determine what these limiting beliefs are which can feel confusing, especially at this time. A helpful clue is to hone in on a particular thought that frequently surfaces in your mind.

Ask yourself if you know this to be true.

For example, Carl used to feel judgmental
of couples he knows or sees on tv who cheat on one another.  Before Lydia's affair, deep down he believed that somehow those people and relationships were deeply flawed and inferior, otherwise the affairs wouldn't have happened.

Now that his marriage is on par with those he used to judge, he's at a loss for what to think.

Once you identify and begin to release those beliefs and assumptions that just don't serve you right now, you may find a more expanded space within yourself.

This doesn't mean that it was ok for Lydia to have an affair or that Carl should act as if the affair never happened.

It also doesn't mean that Carl cannot feel angry or hurt about what happened. The expanded space allows room for everything he, or you, are feeling AND it allows space for a shift toward healing and rebuilding trust.

Stay focused on what you want and create trustable moments to get there....
Within the expanded space that was once bounded by limiting assumptions and beliefs, you can begin to focus on what you want.

If you want to stay in this relationship and rebuild trust, keep your primary focus on that goal.

If you have decided that you want to leave, you can make it your focus to open up to the kind of future you want for yourself. Either way, creating trust is essential.

Carl has decided that he does not want to end his marriage to Lydia. There is still a lot of healing that needs to happen and work between the two of them to be done, but Carl was able to sit down with Lydia and make a plan for how they can begin to rebuild trust.

With this plan-- including new agreements-- written down, they both have a visual reminder
of what to stay focused on.

It may be tempting to return to the old ways you used to think about relationships, yourself, or your partner. But remind yourself of those that just won't take you in the direction you want to go and then release them.

Make a mental note of those trustable moments that happen everyday and often go unnoticed.

No matter how insignificant they may appear, a lot of little trustable moments can end up just as (if not more) important to rebuilding trust as the
more obvious moments.