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Save Your Marriage
"Can I save my marriage when I'm not
even sure he REALLY stopped the
affair?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Kendra does not know what to believe from her husband,
James,
anymore. She desperately wants to somehow pull her marriage
to James
back together again.
The trouble is, she's not sure how.
When Kendra confronted James with her suspicions that he was
having
an affair, he finally admitted it. He told her that he'd
been
cheating with a woman he works with for over 3 months now.
After a
heated and emotional talk, James promised Kendra that he
would end
the affair and concentrate on rebuilding trust in their
marriage.
This was over a month ago.
Still today, Kendra can't be sure that he really did stop
the
cheating. Continued questions about James' behavior nag at
Kendra
and stand in the way of her trusting him again.
This has
caused even
more distance and tension between them.
Is there hope for this marriage?
When you find out that your spouse is having (or has had) an
affair
and you give him or her a second chance, a lot of healing
needs to
happen.
You and your partner are required to step up and put
in an
extra effort in order for trust to begin to rebuild.
But, if you aren't even certain that your spouse followed
through
and ended the affair, you might feel as if healing and trust
rebuilding are on hold.
How can you possibly begin to
believe your
spouse-- and restore your relationship-- if you don't even
know for
sure that he or she has fully re-committed to you?
Get clear about whether you will stay in or leave your
marriage.
When you first found out about the affair, perhaps you
agreed to
give your mate another chance without thinking all that
thoroughly
about it.
Maybe your first reaction was to do whatever you
could to
get your spouse to stay with you and you offered less
thought to
whether or not staying is in your best interests.
If you have children together, you may have felt even more
of an
internal push to try and save your marriage... even if it
meant going
against what your instincts were telling you.
While we will not attempt to tell you whether you should
stay or go,
we will urge you to give this careful thought.
It is so important for you to give yourself permission to
really
consider whether staying or leaving your marriage is what's
best for
you (and for your children too).
Try to look at your situation from the perspective of an
outsider as
much as your can. This isn't about what is the "right" thing
to do,
this is about determining what is the wise thing to do.
*For more advice to help you decide whether to stay in or
leave your
marriage,
click here to receive a free e-mail mini-course.
If you stay, what are your conditions?
If you do choose to stay, it's also a good idea to be very
clear
about the conditions of you staying.
It is most certainly true that learning to trust your spouse
again
after infidelity amounts to a leap of faith.
It is also true
that
you do NOT have to make this leap of faith blindly or in the
midst of
too many unresolved issues.
For example, if you aren't sure that your partner actually
did end
the affair, isn't it time to become more sure?
Think about
what it
would take for you to feel more certain that he or she has
stopped
cheating and then make requests of your partner.
This might involve your partner giving you access to his or
her e-mail and social network accounts as well as cell phone
records.
Whatever level of transparency will help you feel more sure
that the
affair truly is over can make a difference.
Be sure that you are acknowledging those times when your
spouse does
show that he or she is trustable. Keep yourself living in
the
present moment and do not continually hold the past against
your
partner-- this will only trap you both in the pain of the
past.
When you set the conditions for you staying in your
marriage, be
specific and be willing to follow through and, if necessary,
consider
leaving if your conditions are not met.
Look at the "big picture."
Because your partner is the one who cheated, the onus for
being
transparent and for proving trustability to you is on him or
her.
At the same time, you would be missing a significant part of
the
"picture" if you only focused on the infidelity.
You also need to identify the relationship habits that have
developed in your marriage that contributed to the distance
and
tension and that may have played a role in the affair
happening.
This isn't about you being the one to blame for his or her
affair.
This is about you realizing that some of your habits may
have been
partly responsible for you two moving far apart.
If your intention is to try and move closer together again--
and to
rebuild trust-- you need to figure out those disconnecting
habits and
then practice new ones.
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