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Spying
 

"I got caught spying on my partner...but I'm still suspicious."
By Susie and Otto Collins

Tammy is in an awful situation. She has been secretly following her boyfriend Jeff whenever he is "out with friends" for the past month or so...until last night when she was found out.

One of Jeff's friends spotted her sitting in a dark corner of the bar watching them play pool and drink beer. Moments later, an enraged Jeff came over to Tammy and yelled at her in front of the whole place.

She left in tears, feeling guilty and ashamed. But, she is also still suspicious of Jeff.

Even though through her weeks of spying on him she didn't find any evidence that he's having an affair, Tammy is not convinced that he's innocent.

Tammy isn't the first woman or man to spy.

When you fear that your partner is lying and cheating, checking up on what he or she does when not with you may seem like the only way to really determine the truth.

You can interrogate or confront your partner with what you suspect, but unless you have proof that you can really rely upon, chances are your mate will dismiss what you are saying as merely jealousy, imagination or even craziness.

Spying can be risky.

You are liable to be caught in your spying and this can erode trust in your struggling relationship even more.

If you are caught-- as happened to Tammy-- you are left wondering whether to apologize for infringing on your mate's privacy and not trusting him or her or to assert that your actions were justified for specific reasons.

It is a difficult spot to be in.

Some initial questions to ask yourself are these:
"Am I ready to let go of this relationship because of my suspicions?"
"Am I willing to risk relationship trust if I am caught spying yet again?"
"Do the benefits of spying outweigh the negatives?"


Take an honest look at your motives.
While spying may feel like it's the only way you will be able to get the answers you seek, there are times when the act of snooping and spying becomes addictive.

For some people, long after the suspicions and questions have been answered, there remains a compulsion to constantly keep tabs on their partner-- no matter how invasive the methods may be.

We wouldn't presume to tell you when it's okay to spy and when it's not okay.

There are potential legal considerations to take into account with some forms of spying as well as possible ethical dilemmas (this will depend on your personal beliefs).

We will say that there are certainly situations in which checking up on where and with whom your partner is spending time, money and attention is the most effective way to get reliable answers.

If you have been spying, or caught spying, take some time to honestly assess what is motivating you.

If you seem to already have the information you need to determine whether or not your partner is telling you the truth and you continue to spy, it is probably advisable for you to meet with a counselor or coach who can help you.

What is your next step?
The morning after Tammy's spying was discovered by Jeff, she feels embarrassed, guilty, but also confused. She still believes that there is evidence that Jeff might be lying to her.

He hasn't been caught yet, but he has been acting secretively for the past couple of months.

Tammy believes that this change in behavior must be because he's having an affair. She recently discovered a woman's scarf in his car.

But she still is very uncertain.

Tammy needs to decide what her next step will be.

If you have been caught spying, you will need to make this choice as well. How do you feel about apologizing for spying? If you do decide to apologize, what will you say?

Again, every situation is different.

If you are ready to stop spying and you want to try to salvage your relationship, it is probably a wise idea to say "I'm sorry" and to really mean it.

You could be honest about why you were spying and, from there, the two of you could create some agreements that will help rebuild trust and address your worries that drove you to spy in the first place.

However, if you are not ready to leave this relationship, but you still want to know for sure whether or not your partner is cheating, you might decide to keep your plan to spy again to yourself.

Whether or not you apologize is up to you. We advise you not to lie if you think there is a chance you'd like to stay with this person and rebuild trust.

At the same time, you might need to keep to yourself any plans you have to compile a folder of evidence that can help you make a final decision.

During this challenging time, it's essential that you stay in close touch with yourself.

Create a plan that will help you find out the information that you want to know and also keep tabs on how you are feeling and what's motivating you.
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For Susie and Otto Collins' FREE report click here: "The 12
Biggest Relationship-Killing Mistakes You Could Be Making If You Suspect Your Man Is Lying or Cheating"

 




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Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling 614-459-8121.
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