"I got caught spying on my partner...but
I'm still suspicious."
By Susie and Otto Collins
Tammy is in an awful situation. She has been secretly
following her boyfriend Jeff whenever he is "out with
friends" for the past month or so...until last night when
she was found out.
One of Jeff's friends spotted her sitting in a dark corner
of the bar watching them play pool and drink beer. Moments
later, an enraged Jeff came over to Tammy and yelled at her
in front of the whole place.
She left in tears, feeling guilty and ashamed. But, she is
also still suspicious of Jeff.
Even though through her weeks of spying on him she didn't
find any evidence that he's having an affair, Tammy is not
convinced that he's innocent.
Tammy isn't the first woman or man to spy.
When you fear that your partner is lying and cheating,
checking up on what he or she does when not with you may
seem like the only way to really determine the truth.
You can interrogate or confront your partner with what you
suspect, but unless you have proof that you can really rely
upon, chances are your mate will dismiss what you are saying
as merely jealousy, imagination or even craziness.
Spying can be risky.
You are liable to be caught in your spying and this can
erode trust in your struggling relationship even more.
If you are caught-- as happened to Tammy-- you are left
wondering whether to apologize for infringing on your mate's
privacy and not trusting him or her or to assert that your
actions were justified for specific reasons.
It is a difficult spot to be in.
Some initial questions to ask yourself are these:
"Am I ready to let go of this relationship because of my
"Am I willing to risk relationship trust if I am caught
spying yet again?"
"Do the benefits of spying outweigh the negatives?"
Take an honest look at your motives.
While spying may feel like it's the only way you will be
able to get the answers you seek, there are times when the
act of snooping and spying becomes addictive.
For some people, long after the suspicions and questions
have been answered, there remains a compulsion to constantly
keep tabs on their partner-- no matter how invasive the
methods may be.
We wouldn't presume to tell you when it's okay to spy and
when it's not okay.
There are potential legal considerations to take into
account with some forms of spying as well as possible
ethical dilemmas (this will depend on your personal
We will say that there are certainly situations in which
checking up on where and with whom your partner is spending
time, money and attention is the most effective way to get
If you have been spying, or caught spying, take some time to
honestly assess what is motivating you.
If you seem to already have the information you need to
determine whether or not your partner is telling you the
truth and you continue to spy, it is probably advisable for
you to meet with a counselor or coach who can help you.
What is your next step?
The morning after Tammy's spying was discovered by Jeff, she
feels embarrassed, guilty, but also confused. She still
believes that there is evidence that Jeff might be lying to
He hasn't been caught yet, but he has been acting
secretively for the past couple of months.
Tammy believes that this change in behavior must be because
he's having an affair. She recently discovered a woman's
scarf in his car.
But she still is very uncertain.
Tammy needs to decide what her next step will be.
If you have been caught spying, you will need to make this
choice as well. How do you feel about apologizing for
spying? If you do decide to apologize, what will you say?
Again, every situation is different.
If you are ready to stop spying and you want to try to
salvage your relationship, it is probably a wise idea to say
"I'm sorry" and to really mean it.
You could be honest about why you were spying and, from
there, the two of you could create some agreements that will
help rebuild trust and address your worries that drove you
to spy in the first place.
However, if you are not ready to leave this relationship,
but you still want to know for sure whether or not your
partner is cheating, you might decide to keep your plan to
spy again to yourself.
Whether or not you apologize is up to you. We advise you not
to lie if you think there is a chance you'd like to stay
with this person and rebuild trust.
At the same time, you might need to keep to yourself any
plans you have to compile a folder of evidence that can help
you make a final decision.
During this challenging time, it's essential that you stay
in close touch with yourself.
Create a plan that will help you find out the information
that you want to know and also keep tabs on how you are
feeling and what's motivating you.
For Susie and Otto Collins' FREE report click here: "The
Biggest Relationship-Killing Mistakes You Could Be Making If
You Suspect Your Man Is Lying or Cheating"